Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?They prefer cricket matches!

What stories are told by basketball players?Tall stories!

Who won the race between two balls of string?They we’re tied!

What lights up a football stadium?A football match!

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?Cornflakes!

Why aren’t football stadiums built in outer space?Because there is no atmosphere!

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?Webley stadium!

When fish play football, who is the captain?The team’s kipper!

Ref: I’m sending you off Player: What for?Ref: The rest of the match!

Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?They tend to go cheep!

What is a goal keepers favourite snack?Beans on post!

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!