Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection ?Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!

Teacher: What’s the longest word in the English language ?Pupil: Smiles – because there is a mile between the first and last letters

Teacher: I wished you would pay a little attentionPupil: I’m paying as little as I can !

Teacher: In what part of the world are the people most ignorant ?Pupil: Hong KongTeacher: Why do you say that ?Pupil: That’s where the atlas says the population is most dense !

Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read Shakespeare ?Pupil: No Teacher: What have you read then ?Pupil: Umm, I’ve got red hair !

Teacher: In music, if “f” means “forte”, what does “ff” mean ?Pupil: Eighty

Teacher: What is can’t short for ?Pupil: Cannot missTeacher: and what is don’t short for Pupil: Doughnut !

Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia ?Pupil: Holding up the telegraph lines !

Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of Pupil: Life imprisonment !

Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on the map please ?Pupil: There it is Teacher: Now, Louise, who discovered Australia ?Pupil: Fred did !

Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year ?Pupil: 12 – 2nd January, 2nd February…!

Teacher: This is the third time I’ve had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that?Pupil: Thank heavens it’s Friday !