Doctor, doctor, people tell me I’m a wheelbarrow.Don’t let people push you around.

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night’s sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try […]

Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered.The older looking one asks the other, “What’s your secret? Listening to other people’s problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me.”The […]

Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages. Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I’ve got hundreds of them.

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, “I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.””Of course.” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

In a psychiatrist’s waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, “Why are you here?”The second answers, “I’m Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here.”The first is curious and asks, “How do you know that you’re Napoleon?”The second responds, “God told me I was.”At this point, a patient […]

A man who thinks he’s George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, “Tomorrow, we’ll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it.” As soon as he’s gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, “King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the […]

Psychiatrist to his nurse: “Just say we’re very busy. Don’t keep saying ‘It’s a madhouse.’”

A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, “It seems I can’t make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?”

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?Because when it’s time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permited to ski for free. Her husband asked her, “How it went?”. She replied, “Fine, but I’ve never seen so many Freudians slips.”

What’s the difference between a psychologist and a magician?A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!