Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?Defendant: No, I did not.Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
Judge: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand?A: YesJudge: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995?A: Oral.
Judge: Are you married?A. No, I’m divorced.Judge. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death?A: Yes, by death.Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?
Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct?A: Yes.Judge: And these same stairs, did the also go up?
Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?A: She is my daughter.Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?A: All my autopsies are on dead people.
Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.Justice: A decision in your favor.
How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation saidshe was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I havewaited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he smiledwith delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass througha red light’ five hundred times.”
A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. “Not guilty,” the woman answered emphatically.The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: “Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of […]
A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you […]
