Young Bradley arrived at his date’s house wearing a shirt that had water dripping from it. “What’re you doin’?” asked his girlfriend. “How come your shirt is soakin’ wet?” “Well,” said Bradley, “it said on the label: WASH AND WEAR.”
Calvin went to Pearson’s Pet Shop to complain that his canary wouldn’t sing. “File the beak just a little,” said the owner, “and the bird will sing. But if you file it too much, the canary will die.” Two weeks later Pearson ran into Calvin on the street and asked about his canary. “He died,” […]
Guidry called in Plotke, the painter, for an estimate to paint his house. “How much you gonna charge me?” asked Guidry. “Twenty dollars an hour,” replied Plotke. “Good Lord!” exclaimed the home owner. “I wouldn’t pay Michelangelo that price!” “I tell you one thing, mister,” said the painter. “If that guy you mentioned is doin’ […]
Delmer: How’d you like the play last night over at the high school? Parley: I only seed the first act, but not the second. Delmer: Why didn’t you stay? Parley: I couldn’t wait that long. It said on the program, ‘Two Years Later.’
Loomis: Does your dog have a license? Fenton: Hell, no! I do all the drivin’.
Did you hear about the dumb father who got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle?
Personnel Director: What would you do if you broke your arm in two places? Vanderkron: I wouldn’t go to these places no more!
Did you hear about the dimwit who was so dumb he thought Gatorade was welfare for crocodiles?
“Can you read Chinese?” “Yes, but only when it’s printed in English.”
Did you hear about the rookie Rhode Island cop who gave out twenty-two parking tickets before he found out he was at a drive-in movie?
Hoot: How the hell can ya be so stupid? Jessie: Well, it ain’t somethin’ yew can pick up overnight.
