Monster: I’m so ugly. Ghost: It’s not that bad! Monster: It is! When my grandfather was born they passed out cigars. When my father was born they just passed out cigarettes. When I was born they simply passed out.

Last night I dreamt I was dancing with the most beautiful girl in the worldWhat was I wearing ?

My boyfriend thinks I’m beautifulWell they do say that love is blind !

Your ugly.And you’re drunk.Yes, but in the morning I’ll be sober !

What did the really ugly man do for a living ?He posed for Halloween masks !

I don’t think these photographs you’ve taken do me justice.You don’t want justice – you want mercy !

I can’t understand why people say my girlfriend’s legs look like matchsticks. They do look like sticks – but they certainly don’t match.

Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for your girlfriend improve her appearance ?Man: It did for a while – then it fell off.

Two teenage boys were talking in the classroom. One said, ‘I took my girlfriend to see ‘The bride of Dracula’ last night.”Oh yeah,’ said the other, ‘ what was she like ?”Well she was about six foot six, white as a ghost and she had big red staring eyes and fangs.’The other said, ‘Yes, but […]

Julie had broken off her engagement. Her friend asked her what had happened. ‘I thought it was love at first sight,’ said Julie. ‘It was, but it was the second and third sights that changed my mind.

Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back.Will: Pity it’s not on her head.

She’s the kind of girl that boys look at twice – they can’t believe it the first time.