A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. As he’s drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3×5 note card and […]

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the […]

A man drinking at the bar for three hours, yells at the bartender for another drink. The bartender walks over and tells the man that he has already had too much to drink. The man looks up from his glass angrily and shouts. “I have been drinking for 36 years and I have no idea […]

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps […]

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded ” i have a picture of my wife in there and when […]

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, “I’m going to the pub. Get your coat on.” The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies, “Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?” The husband replies, “No – I’m turning the heating off.

“I was married 3 times” explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, “and I’ll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.” “That’s a shame.” said his friend , “How did it happen?” “She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms!”

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, “You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I’d see four!” The bartender looks, then pauses […]

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out! “Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!” The bartender does […]

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else […]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up […]

Sign seen in a bar: “Those drinking to forget please pay in advance.”