Personnel Director: What would you do if you broke your arm in two places? Vanderkron: I wouldn’t go to these places no more!

Did you hear about the dumb father who got up and struck a match to see if he had blown out the candle?

Loomis: Does your dog have a license? Fenton: Hell, no! I do all the drivin’.

“Say, your house is burning.””That’s okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new one.”

Housekeeper: Professor, there’s a bill collector at the door. I told him you were out. But he wouldn’t believe me. Professor: No? Then I suppose I’ll have to go and tell him myself.

Q: How many idiots who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Change it to what?

Fred: Did you hear about the Irish window cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder? Harry: What did the sign say? Fred: Stop.

Did you hear about the stupid water-polo player?His horse drowned . . .

A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive ? there’s no water in that pool!” “That’s all right,” said the man. “I can’t swim!”

How do you confuse an idiot? Give him two spades and ask him to take his pick.

Teacher: That’s the stupidest boy in the whole school. Mother: That’s my son. Teacher: Oh! I’m so sorry. Mother: You’re sorry?

What do you call an alien starship that drips water? A crying saucer.