At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.The judge said, “State your name, occupation, and the charge.”The defendant said, “I’m Sparks, I’m an electrician, charged with battery.”The judge winced and said, “Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!”
A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven,but not at all happy with his accommodations.He complained to St. Peter, who told him that hisonly recourse was to appeal his assignment. Thelawyer immediately advised that he intended toappeal, but was then told that he would be waitingat least three years before his appeal could beheard. […]
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can’t they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
Judge to witness: “And where was the location of the accident?”Witness: “Approximately milepost 499.”Judge:: “And where is milepost 499?”Witness: “About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.”
Mr. Schneider stood up in court. “As God is my judge, I do not owe myex-wife any money.”Glaring down at him, the judge replied, “He’s not. I am. You do.”
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation saidshe was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I havewaited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he smiledwith delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not pass througha red light’ five hundred times.”
How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.
Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.Justice: A decision in your favor.
Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?A: All my autopsies are on dead people.
Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?A: She is my daughter.Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct?A: Yes.Judge: And these same stairs, did the also go up?
Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death?A: Yes, by death.Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?
