Patient: Doctor, I get the feeling that people don’t give a hoot about anything I say. Psychiatrist: So?

“Great news, Mr. Oscarson,” the psychiatrist reported. “After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You’ll never be trapped by the desire to steal again.””Gee, that’s great, Doc,” the patient replied.”And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and […]

One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Check three friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you.

Patient: I’m really depressed. Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed. Patient: Nothing is going well. Therapist: Nothing well. Patient: I feel like killing myself. T: You’re thinking of killing yourself. P: Yes, I’m going to do it NOW. T: You want to do it now. P: [Jumps out window.] T: Woosh. Splat.

When they arrived at the therapist’s office, the therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. […]

The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but […]

What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?” “You’re fine, how am I? “

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?”How many do you think it takes?”

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? “Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?”

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? “How long have you been having this phantasy?”

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits.